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SKETCH COMEDY | Screenplay | Restaurant Review | Press ReleaseSynopsisTreatment

A man hits a woman with his car.  Ah, modern love!

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"I'd Hit That"
Groundlings Sketch Comedy
5-6 minutes

"I'D HIT THAT"

Written by
Adam Jackman

 

EXT. CULVER CITY SIDEWALK - MORNING SOUND FX: SQUEALING TIRES. THUMP!

LIGHTS UP AS SARAH ENTERS HOLDING HER HEAD WITH BOTH HANDS. SHE'S HURT. SUCKING AIR THROUGH HER TEETH. LEO RUNS IN, UPSET.

LEO
Omigod, oh my god are you ok?

SARAH
I think I'm...

LEO
I was just turning, oh my god, I didn't even see you! I'm so sorry!

SARAH
Um...

LEO
Oh my god you... are... GORGEOUS.

SARAH
Do you have, like, a bandaid or something?

LEO
Oh god you're bleeding. I have a napkin.

HE OFFERS HER A TISSUE FROM HIS POCKET.

LEO (CONT'D)
I'll just write down my info in case you need it for insurance or, y'know. So, do you, uh, do you come here often?

SHE STARES AT HIM.

LEO (CONT'D)
Can I get your number? For the dispatcher! I have to call 911.

HE DIALS 911 ON HIS MOBILE.

LEO (CONT'D)
Yes, hi, there's been an accident.

HE HOLDS THE PHONE TO HIS CHEST.

LEO (CONT'D)
I need your name. They need your name.

SARAH
Uh... Sarah.

LEO
Sarah! I'm Leo! I honestly never do this, just walk up to someone, but...

SARAH
I'm feeling a little dizzy.

LEO
I know! Me too! So crazy! It's like the universe brought us together!  Are you a model? Sorry.

(INTO THE PHONE)
Main and... First St. Thank you.

(BACK TO HER)
So you live near here, then? Anyone at home they should contact? Husband? Boyfriend?

SARAH
What?

LEO
(INTO THE PHONE)
She's hurt! Please hurry! I'd say maybe 5-foot-9, perfect build. Gemini?

SARAH
Capricorn. Wait...

LEO
I'm a Virgo. The sex would be INSANE.
(INTO THE PHONE)
I'm gonna say a 36-C. No, like, JUST RIGHT. Like, Eliza Dushku. I know!

SARAH
I'm bleeding.

LEO
(TO SARAH)
You're bleeding! I have a first aid kit in my car. I'll be right back. DON'T GO ANYWHERE!

LEO RUSHES OUT. DANIEL ENTERS WEARING JOGGING GEAR.

DANIEL
I saw what happened from across the street! Are you O-kkkkk-oooooo my GOD you... are... GORGEOUS!

SARAH
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

DANIEL
Yes you are fine. Like a fine wine. Mm. MMM!

LEO RUNS BACK IN, CARRYING A SMALL FIRST AID KIT, TEARING OPEN A GAUZE BANDAGE.

LEO
Here's gauze, for your--who the fuck is this guy?

DANIEL
Don't you 
touch her.

LEO
I brought gauze, honey.

DANIEL
Don't you call her honey, you masogynist piece of shit.

LEO
I brought you your gauze, right here.

DANIEL WHIPS HIS SHIRT OFF AND OFFERS IT TO HER.

DANIEL
Please, use this. The shirt off my back. I'm so sorry he did this to you.

 

LEO

Sarah, you don't have to do this. This gauze is yours, if you'll have me.

SARAH

I'm fine.

LEO
Because I'm in love with you.

DANIEL I'M CALLING THE POLICE!

LEO
I already called the ambulance!

DANIEL PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALS.

SOUND FX : DIALING PHONE NUMBERS 9-1-1

DANIEL
Sarah, it's gonna be ok.

LEO
Sarah, you don't need police. You need an ambulance. I can give you that.

DANIEL
Hello? Yes, it's an emergency.

LEO RIFLES THROUGH THE FIRST AID KIT.

LEO
Do you need Ibuprofen? A wet nap? Condom?

SARAH
You keep condoms in your first aid kit?

LEO
Safety first!

DANIEL
I need to report a murder.

SARAH
What?

DANIEL
An attempted murder. First and Main. Yes, he's still here, and I WILL DETAIN HIM.

LEO
I'm gonna murder YOU.

DANIEL
HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH?

SARAH
I'm not murdered.

THEY BOTH RUSH TO HER SIDE.

DANIEL
No, you're stunning.

LEO
You're the opposite of murdered. You're SO ALIVE.

DANIEL
You're gonna bounce back better than ever, aren'tcha, kiddo?

LEO
Imagine telling our grandkids how we met, Baby!

DANIEL
You're SO STRONG.

SOUND FX : AMBULANCE SIREN

SARAH
Thank god.

LEO
SEE? I called them for you, Sarah.

DANIEL
(TO LEO)
They're gonna take you to prison.

PARAMEDICS CARLOS AND CARLY RUSH IN.

 

CARLY
Calm down everybody. Sir! Step back! Ma'am, please --

CARLY SEES HER FACE.

CARLY (CONT'D)
Oh my god, you... are... GORGEOUS.

CARLY LOOKS AT LEO AND DAN, MOTIONING TOWARD SARAH.

CARLY (CONT'D)
One o' you guys hittin' this?

LEO
Me. I hit that.

BLACKOUT.