“Each program is designed to increase the client’s knowledge, skills, and comfort. As the days pass, clients find themselves becoming more relaxed, more open to feelings, and more comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy.”
When asked to explain what Surrogate Partner Therapy is, I often begin with the following analogy: If physical therapy is steadily paced, concentrated work with a trained professional to regain use of an impaired body, Surrogate Partner Therapy is steadily paced, concentrated work on a mind impaired - specifically in the areas of intimacy, socialization, and sexual function.
Most people are aware of the function and purpose of emotional support animals. Similarly, a Surrogate Partner’s role in therapy is that of an emotional support human. Just as an individual struck by a car would require psychoanalytical therapy to help process, along with physical therapy to properly heal injuries sustained - a patient struck down by trauma, abuse, or disability may require talk-based therapy plus the physical component of Surrogate Partner Therapy before feeling able to form healthy and intimate relationships.
The Work
Surrogate Partner Therapy is a little known and commonly misunderstood therapy that has been changing lives for over 60 years, and is readily available to almost anyone already working with a sex therapist. This can include survivors of abuse, neglect, traumatizing sexual / romantic experiences, those with atypical sexualities living in constant and conditioned shame, those caught in cycles of anxiety and arousal dysfunction not knowing which is begetting the other - there’s a wide range of individuals with unique hurdles that require ‘partnered’ exercises to help overcoming them. For those ready to face their fear, inexperience, or frustrations with intimacy, a Surrogate Partner can give the opportunity for a unique therapeutic relationship, akin to immersion therapy.
The work, flexible to the client’s individual issues, follows a structured Three-Phase model: each phase building upon the other to create a safe space for the client to trust, learn, and feel in ways that - when applied with the work done before, in tandem, and after with a licensed therapist - can allow those who have suffered in silence for years the chance to make transformative breakthroughs.
Sensate Focus, the touch-based therapy originally developed by Masters & Johnson, is the cornerstone on which Phase One and much of Phase Two are built. Paired with a variety of breathing and relaxation techniques, Phase One works on nurturing the client and building a relationship where triggers and past traumas are safe to explore. Phase Two is where sensuality becomes the focus, re-learning how to experience the sensation of touch, the perception of body-image, and the connection to sexual function. Phase Three is where non-demanding and controlled genital exploration can be combined with fantasy building exercises, “bridging” the authentic self with the outside world, particularly for a client suffering from such lifelong issues as anorgasmia or rapid ejaculation. For late-in-life virgins or other clients struggling with “missed” benchmarks of socialization - ranging from romantic to hygienic - Phase Three can also include exercises revolving around kissing, bathing, role-playing, or intimate physicality.
The key to Surrogate Partner Therapy is in the triad created by therapist, surrogate, and client. Through therapy, a client can discover who their authentic self is, as a surrogate partner gives the client freedom and permission to bring out that authentic self, and help build an understand of their specific wants; including conveying back to both surrogate and therapist on progress and indications of how to move forward. This allows the client to make strides in communication within an emotional and mental landscape where the most common answer heard is, “I don’t know what I want”.
With combined efforts, Surrogate Partner Therapy can bring about life altering changes in one of the areas of life most directly related to overall well-being: The giving and receiving of affection.
About Me
Like the role of a therapist, a Surrogate Partner is both a friend and a mentor, with clear professional boundaries. The boundaries are different, though, and change over time.
<—-That’s me. I’m not a therapist, I work with therapists. I have a BA with a concentration in Queer Studies from Sarah Lawrence College, which comes in handy when helping Queer clients get in touch with their roots. I’m a recovering American, working towards Dutch citizenship with my partner, living and working in The Hague. My Dutch is terrible but I’m trying my best to learn it. I make jokes. I have bad hair days. My weight fluctuates. I’m a person.
Many choose disconnection as a permanent solution, putting up a maze of walls and barriers that make intimacy seem impossible. I’m not the type to attack and chip away at barriers; I’d rather hug walls until they melt (the walls are made of ice for that metaphor to work). The reason I do this is because I believe in it, and because it offers a rare chance to help people learn how to connect in this often harsh and unforgiving world.
Contact
If you are interested in getting in contact with me, or learning more about Surrogate Partner Therapy, please use the form below. Your information will remain confidential.
